"For I know the plans I have for you. . .plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Isn't it funny how we get it into our heads exactly how something is going to go down? We have no doubt in our ability to make things happen, especially if we know that God placed that something, or someone on our hearts. And then suddenly we're in a nose dive and don't know how it happened or how to save ourselves? And that's when we realize we can't save ourselves, we never could. Someone already did that.
My first mistake was to make a plan. My second was losing faith in what I felt God called me to do when I wasn't able to make it happen on my own.
I first saw Noelle's face in April.
I spent a good week giving God all the reasons I couldn't possibly adopt her. The biggest obstacle was financial. After paying for two adoptions without financial assistance (never knew it existed in the form of grants and it never occurred to me to ask my family and friends for help...but more on that miracle later)I was still struggling to rebuild a savings account. There was also the matter of the rules in China--they had changed for single women and my youngest in the home had to be at least 6 years old in order for me to be eligible to adopt again.
But God has a very clear voice and when I had run out of excuses, and the many different ways to word them, and grew silent He spoke again to my heart. This little girl, who had been on the shared list several months already, whose file had been looked at by many families who felt that her medical needs were too daunting, is my daughter.
The next day I contacted the agency she was with only to find out that China had withdrawn her file due to lack of interest from families. I didn't understand this, because I believed 100% that God had laid her on my heart.
I am active on the adoption boards and often advocate for children with medical needs, so I threw myself into this but continued praying about this little girl. It wasn't long before the social worker at the agency who had had Noelle's file wrote me an e-mail. Noelle was added to a Journey of Hope camp run by another agency. This is often a final attempt to place a child. The next day, May 5th, I contacted this agency and explained that I had been following Noelle's file and felt strongly that she was my daughter, but I would need a waiver.
The agency didn't feel comfortable asking China for an exception, especially so soon after China's new rules came out (March).
Believing we were this little girl's family, but knowing most importantly that she come home to a family of God's choosing (and what if I've been wrong all along?) I threw myself into finding a family for her. You see, Noelle has a severe heart condition that requires open heart surgery to repair. Her first life-saving operation in China was to correct another midline deficit--without this surgery she would have died before her second week of life. This repair was very successful and it bought her time. Often, orphans in China are fortunate to receive any medical treatment and the possibility of a second surgery for a child are slim to none.
I shared Noelle's file with many families, answered as many questions as I could. I had medical information from her file translated --for language and medical means -- but after 6 weeks she remained without a family. I contacted the agency again. I asked them to push my paperwork through, requesting a waiver for the age of my youngest child. They agreed. They too had not been able to place this little girl with a family--even with a grant attached to her adoption.
Two days later I had my answer--China said yes.
A week after that, I had official paperwork from China giving me the approval I needed to move forward with her adoption.
A month later, I sold a novel that my former agent hadn't been able to sell. The advance would be enough to pay for half the adoption--only actually getting the money has been a problem. At least, for four months I believed this was a problem when actually it's been a blessing all along.
So while I was waiting for this money to come in, other things stacked up: we took a significant paycut at work starting in September; my mom retired completely the end of August(we were hoping she could work part-time for the next year while I paid for the adoption but her body was wiped-out--she was so tired she was falling and twice broke a bone!).
When my advance still hadn't arrived in November I was stressed and was complaing about it on the phone to my brother when he stopped me and told me he was putting a check in the mail. I told him not to (I am not good at asking for or accepting help and I think God has been trying to get my attention on this facet of my personality, otherwise known as pride). My brother told me he was hanging up and heading to the bank. Expect a cashier's check in the next few days. It paid for my home study.
My dossier was complete and needed just state seals and then to be forwarded to the Chinese consulate. In the meantime, my transmission went out in my car in addition to several other problems (my car is 14 years old); house repairs cropped up, dental issues and other needs...It got to the point that if a tornado ripped through Southern California and took our roof with it, I would not have been surprised. The only good news that came during this time was from the pediatric cardiologist who reviewed Noelle's file. He believes that her heart surgery will go very well. That she has an excellent chance of living a life of quality.
I agonized over what to do. I had no money to move forward, but knew leaving Noelle in China was a death sentence. I called my agency and told them where I was at. I wasn't asking for help, because I don't do that. I was asking if there was some way we could find Noelle another family. The social worker I was speaking to was not ready to give up. She moved into super drive and contacted their outreach person. She asked me if I could contact family and friends and see if they could help, too.
I am ashamed to say that I got off the phone with her thinking there was no way I could ask for help--pride is never pretty. I think my refusal to ask for help goes back to my childhood when we were always needing help. I never wanted to be in that position again. I had a little pity party for myself, too, because really I am doing everything I feel God is asking me to--supporting extended family members who clearly fall under the widowed and the unable Jesus, and so we, too, should feel passionatley about; I teach children with special needs and I am very good at it -- truly a God-given talent, but not what I thought I would do with my life (again with those plans!); I have sacrificed a lot during my life--do I really need to sacrifice my pride, too? And yes, I am smiling here, because we all know that pride is a truly worthless quality and none of us would want to be accused of being prideful.
The day after my phone call with my agency, my social worker had good news for me. She had told my story at their staff meeting and someone came forward with a $1000 donation. Their outreach person had contacted a few families and together raised another $4000 for Noelle's adoption.
I was stunned. People who didn't even know me were coming together to bring my daughter home. It gave me hope.
I wrote a few letters and sent them to family and friends. I explained my situation and asked that if they felt called to do so, I hoped they would help me bring Noelle home. I heard from family right away. I can't tell you how much this lifted my heart.
My brothers like to remind me that I'm always the first one to step up to help. They call me Pollyana and Pippy. Still. I've always been this way, but here is something I learned about being the helper or the fixer in the family--it feels good being able to make things a little easier for someone else. It feels good to do good. It also puts me in a position of power--I don't have to feel like that little girl in a family that was a mess most of the time.
Laying down my pride was difficult, but the rewards are tremendous. It's knowing that God makes good on His promises: "I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support..." Hebrews 13:5 It's knowing that there are people out there--family for sure, but people I don't even know, who are willing to help. There are others who believe, as I do, that no one should be without a family. And that makes this world a much better place to live in.
"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18
I've always believed that if I do what I can do, God will do the rest. He has shown me this time and again.
I'm not quite there yet, but I have no doubt that I'm bringing my daughter home. It's God's will. And it'll be done His way.
