My Girl

Yesterday, I e-mailed my agency and asked for ChunJu's shoe size and, if they could, for a recent photo. I wasn't expecting to actually get new photos because I'd already gotten an update in November. But I opened my e-mail today and pictures of my precious babe were waiting for me:) She is beautiful and looks so healthy. She's running in a park! This is big, as my girl is waiting for open-heart surgery. I am so grateful for these photos. In a few weeks I'll be holding her in my arms and loving on her (well, it might take a few days for her to warm up to me as her whole world will be turning upside down) and these are the first photos of my girl where she looks happy.

Nearing the Mountain Top

Today, I am consciously letting go and letting God do the doing.

I should get TA this week and could be on a plane in as soon as 11 days--that's under two weeks. Good thing I have all I need, except my visa--the form is more involved than the last two times and I will hear from the courier today or tomorrow on whether or not I filled it out correctly. Once that's a go, I will send in my passport and should have it back in just under a week. This is what I can do.

I know that this adoption is in God's hands. I know I will leave in His timing. And I don't want it any other way. However, I noticed that as I was praying last night I kept mentioning how faithful I've been. How much I have grown in faith and in trusting Him--quantum leaps, really--and was wondering if I would reap my rewards anytime soon. I mean, really, I am committed, I am going to China, ChunJu is my daughter. I cannot be swayed. So what more do I need to know, how much more do I need to grow?

Apparently, at least a smidge more. I woke up this morning under the realization that I am still holding back a little. And you know how God is--He wants it all. And in return, He will give us all.

So no more protecting my heart with thoughts like, "If this doesn't happen, I will be OK." It's going to happen. It is happening.

No more resentment about trusting God for the little things, like swim lessons.

No more lamenting the past from which I have risen--truly beauty from ashes.

No more wondering about the unfairness of it all (and this is a big one for me). I did not get a good start in life. I don't know what it's like to have a father who cares for you, who loves you unconditionally--I am still learning this through God. I think I am missing a key piece of knowledge in this that keeps me from having all God wants for me, and that those who know the true love of a father have passed easily into His abundance. I sometimes despair that I will ever grasp that key.

But everyday I love, everyday I help, everyday I lift up others. I never want to stop being this person God has molded me to be.

I think this walk, this entire year has been about me learning:
humility -- I don't ask for help, and I think this pride has kept me from entering God's promises. Well, this past year I have asked for help and have accepted it. I continue to ask for and receive.
acceptance -- I don't know how to let someone else take care of me, but I realize now that I need this. We all do. I am really good at caring for others. I am tops at this. But I had to first be open to allowing this to happen for me, and I am now at the point of not only accepting it, but teetering on the cusp of inviting it.
surrender -- yeah, I had control issues. Not in terms of trying to control others or even circumstances, but trying to control how much I would rely on others. Some people would call this independence. I know I clung tenaciously to that much prettier description. But I am completely at the mercy of God and have been throughout this process. It has been as messy as a natural childbirth. Why has it taken me so long?

I also think this walk has been about others. God has raised up many people to help. People who know me, and who don't know me. People with a heart for orphans. People with a heart for God. This has been humbling in the most beautiful way.

I am not there yet financially--I'll know in the next day or two how much I still need in order to travel. But I know God's behind this. I know.

The Name

I had decided on Noelle. I love this name. Everyday she is a celebration of life.

However, she is almost 3 years old and I worry that she has probably heard the word 'No' many times already. For this reason, I have decided (I think) to find another name. Or to at least compile a list of names to take with me to China and let her personality sort of choose one.

Aubrey        (English--Elfin king)  So do not like the meaning of this name, but love the sound. . .
Ivy               (English--Ivy)
Charlotte     (French--Woman of God)
Tess             (Gaelic--Harvester)
Leila            (Persian--Dark-haired beauty)
Kate             (Greek--Pure)
Emme          (Emmanuelle---Hebrew--God is with us)
Elizabeth     (Hebrew--Loyal one)
Erynn          (Gaelic--Peaceful one)
Nicole         (Greek--people of victory) nickname--Nikki
Lilah            (Arabic--night beauty)

Madeleine likes (in this order):
Aubrey
Ivy
Leila
Emme
Tess
Charlotte
Kate
Erynn
Lilah
Ava likes (in this order):
Aubrey
Ivy

Nana likes (in this order):
Lily    (this is so not going to happen)
Faith  (Hmmm maybe not)
Grace (her mom's middle name)
Charlotte
Ivy
Leila
Elizabeth
Lilah

Aunt Janet likes:
Nicole/Nikki
Lilah
Today, I am leaning toward Ivy and Charlotte. . .Now, I've fluctuated (4/24/2012): Lilah and Ivy.

So I'm going not knowing what her name will be. The agency will ask me to choose and submit her English name before travel, but I guess everything about this adoption journey is different from the first two. And I'm Ok with that.

And it's a Slam-Dunk

I woke up this morning remembering that China doesn't let you in or out of the country if you have a fever. I think I was so not willing to entertain the idea of traveling without my kids, that I forgot about this little detail. In fact, I wrote about this on my blog earlier in this adoption process and at the time I called such a notion a deal-breaker. But God has given me peace about this.

I told Maddie last night that I was almost certainly traveling alone. She took it very well. I'm hoping we can skype every night and I told her I was going to leave gifts for her and Ava, one to be opened daily while I'm gone. My plan is to e-mail the coordinates for each gift daily, so my girls can't dig it out of my mom and my sister sooner:) If Maddie is up to it, I'll schedule the girls for swim lessons or gymnastics or an arts and crafts class(es) while I'm gone. It will make the week fly by.

(I know there are several Mamas--single or otherwise--struggling with the same decision and I will come back and post the ideas I came up with to keep my girls busy and how well they worked.)

So, I will apply for my travel visa this week. I wouldn't be surprised if my TA arrives this week as well. I still don't think I'll leave for China before the second week of May--no hotel rooms are available due to the trade fair and then the first week of May all govt. offices are closed due to their labor day holiday. So, as I'm leaving on a Saturday evening, that means May 5th, 12th or the 19th.

Some Decisions Just Suck

Maddie had a particularly bad weekend. High fever, joint aches, sore throat. And those %^*&! blisters. She ate pretty much chicken broth for three days. I messed up. I misunderstood about when to give her the predisone and what it is actually good for so I didn't give it to her. If I give it to her when her fever first starts it could stop it and her sore throat or at least cut the time she's suffering these symptoms in half.

Anyway, she looked so sick and she was almost listless at times. Makes me very sad. Her, too.

It's also made me consider and reconsider and re-reconsider taking her to China. An adoption trip is exhausting. So much needs to be done, at various government offices, at different times of the day. . .it's definitely no vacation. The adoption trips for Maddie and Ava were wonderous, but by the end I was weary and ready to return home. Maddie and Nana were ready to get home last time, too. And western medical care is not available.

At first, I was going to bring my girls and my mom with me. It's such an important family event. Now, I think I'll be going alone.

This is such an agonizing decision. I can't imagine being away from my girls, especially when one of them is sick. I can't leave Noelle in China. But I can leave my girls with my mom, knowing they are loved, safe, and well taken care of. My sister will help. She loves my girls dearly. I'm thinking of asking my brother to come down. The girls love spending time with him.

I'll be gone less than 7 days (barely). My most wonderful agency is working with me. They have submitted an itinerary to Chinese authorities to see if they'll expedite me in-country. This means I'll leave late on a Saturday evening and return early the next Saturday morning. It means days stacked with paperwork, a medical exam, then a recheck of the TB test, filing for Noelle's passport and visa, etc..

The pros of this schedule is that I'll be so busy I won't be able to dwell on how much I miss my girls. Noelle will get home sooner and get the medical attention she needs sooner. . .

And yet I'm dragging my feet on filing for my visa, which I need to travel to China. If Maddie gets better sooner than it's looking, if she's at a good point in the cycle, if the meds work, then we could travel as a family. So I'm waiting. I may have 4 visas to file for. I want travel approval in hand, itinerary approval in hand before I send for my visa. It only takes 5 days. . .

And what I really want more than anything else is for God to speak to me on this. Everything is laying out in such a way that traveling alone seems to be His will. I hope to be surprised.

Love My Necklace

Acceptance I

It was a difficult decision for me, to move Maddie to a home schooling program. To take her out of her social group and out of her 'normal'. She has been letting me know, since November, that normal just wasn't working out. The fevers started in November and she was never without a blister. With the fevers came a sore throat and hoarseness, swollen lymph nodes and, eventually, pain in her joints. Even sipping a milkshake was painful. She would go a day or two with minimal calories. She had meltdowns. Some meltdowns she wasn't able to stop herself and the only way she could be calmed was with me lying beside her, her head on my chest and me rubbing her back.

She missed a lot of school. Gave up one of her gymnastic classes during the week. Her health wasn't improving. We had entered a cycle of fever and sore throats, etc. every 3 1/2 weeks and always those blisters. Ten days ago we met with a specialist who was able to firmly diagnos her. He's a wonderful doctor who knows her condition and I am grateful to have him. But there are still unknowns. For example, we don't know if the medicine he started her on will work, but we hope so. We don't know how long she will continue to deal with this condition, but we do know that it is not lifelong and that there will be no lasting damage from it (thank God). But there will be pain--lots of it.

And we know we have to keep her pain meds at a minimum in order to keep her liver and kidneys healthy.

Thursday, Maddie went to gymnastics class. She wanted to go. I wanted her to go. I wanted her to have this little slice of normal. She felt better, and I felt better, watching her on the mats, talking to and laughing with other girls her age, moving through jumps and twists--her body proof that she is strong and, well, healthy.

Only she's not and it is so hard for this Mama to accept that.

After class, Maddie was tired. Unusually so. She slept fitfully and woke up twice calling for me. I was able to give her pain medicine, but only so much. Friday she woke up with a sore throat and spent most of the day laying on the couch. The aches in her joints flared up last night. Today the fever is starting. I will watch it climb. I will give her motrin when I can, but it only takes the edge off, at best, and I'll snugggle with her, to help her manage the pain that the meds don't touch.

My big girl is sick. It's serious. And for a while, our normal is going to look very different.