Some Decisions Just Suck

Maddie had a particularly bad weekend. High fever, joint aches, sore throat. And those %^*&! blisters. She ate pretty much chicken broth for three days. I messed up. I misunderstood about when to give her the predisone and what it is actually good for so I didn't give it to her. If I give it to her when her fever first starts it could stop it and her sore throat or at least cut the time she's suffering these symptoms in half.

Anyway, she looked so sick and she was almost listless at times. Makes me very sad. Her, too.

It's also made me consider and reconsider and re-reconsider taking her to China. An adoption trip is exhausting. So much needs to be done, at various government offices, at different times of the day. . .it's definitely no vacation. The adoption trips for Maddie and Ava were wonderous, but by the end I was weary and ready to return home. Maddie and Nana were ready to get home last time, too. And western medical care is not available.

At first, I was going to bring my girls and my mom with me. It's such an important family event. Now, I think I'll be going alone.

This is such an agonizing decision. I can't imagine being away from my girls, especially when one of them is sick. I can't leave Noelle in China. But I can leave my girls with my mom, knowing they are loved, safe, and well taken care of. My sister will help. She loves my girls dearly. I'm thinking of asking my brother to come down. The girls love spending time with him.

I'll be gone less than 7 days (barely). My most wonderful agency is working with me. They have submitted an itinerary to Chinese authorities to see if they'll expedite me in-country. This means I'll leave late on a Saturday evening and return early the next Saturday morning. It means days stacked with paperwork, a medical exam, then a recheck of the TB test, filing for Noelle's passport and visa, etc..

The pros of this schedule is that I'll be so busy I won't be able to dwell on how much I miss my girls. Noelle will get home sooner and get the medical attention she needs sooner. . .

And yet I'm dragging my feet on filing for my visa, which I need to travel to China. If Maddie gets better sooner than it's looking, if she's at a good point in the cycle, if the meds work, then we could travel as a family. So I'm waiting. I may have 4 visas to file for. I want travel approval in hand, itinerary approval in hand before I send for my visa. It only takes 5 days. . .

And what I really want more than anything else is for God to speak to me on this. Everything is laying out in such a way that traveling alone seems to be His will. I hope to be surprised.