Tetralogy of Fallot

Noelle has Tetralogy of Fallot (TOF) and will need open heart surgery as soon as we get her home. This type of surgery has been very successful with babies and small children. A best case scenario will be this surgical procedure, to be completed within weeks of coming home, and then a minor cath procedure when she is a teenager. Open heart surgery will require that she is in the hospital for a week; the cath is out-patient (and who knows what miraculous advances in medicine will be made in the next 10 or so years:)). It's possible, because Noelle has been without medical treatment for almost three years (her third birthday is in July), that she will need daily medication. I am blessed with a job that has amazing health insurance, and a prescription plan that has just $3 co-pays. Also, the timing for this adoption is perfect for us, as I will have the summer off to bond with my new daughter and be with her through her surgery and as she heals. I also have the support of my extended family and that is priceless.

Noelle has two holes in her heart (one of which is keeping her alive right now), pulmonary atresia (which means the valve that regulates the blood flow from the right side of her heart to the lungs is not working properly. Instead of a valve, Noelle seems to have tissue there and so her blood is not able to pick up oxygen from her lungs very well--her body created that life-saving hole she has so that some blood is flowing through and absorbing oxygen)and a narrowing of the artery that leads to her lungs. The longer she is without medical intervention the greater the chance that her lungs will deterioriate. Medications many times can reverse this damage, and that is our prayer--that He keep her lungs healthy, and eases the burden on her heart, while she waits for us.

Wednesday Walk

Have you ever prayed for something, believed for it, received it and then later looked around for customer service?


I never intended to be a teacher. I needed a second job--I was waitressing at night and attended college full time, but I had my mornings open so I signed up at the local school district. My first job in the classroom was as an assistant at a locked psychiatric hospital for adolescents. The children there were abused and/or harming themselves. From the moment I walked into that tiny classroom on the ward, I felt like I was where I belonged. I stayed for 3 years. My next job was at a home for abused children, again as an assistant. I still believed I was just supplementing my income as I continued with college. I earned a BA in English and my MFA, and even taught on an emergency credential for 6 years before, 12 years after walking into a classroom as a paid employee, I went back to school for my credential.

Even then, I was thinking this teaching thing isn't a bad gig while I applied myself at night toward my real dream--becoming a world famous writer.

But I'm good with kids. I'm a natural. By natural, I mean that I have found one of the things God has set me aside for. The gift comes from Him. I don't have to work at building a rapport with my students, they know I care about them, and they respond to that, making a difficult job very rewarding.

It took years for me to realize that the classroom is where God has placed me and I won't be leaving until He's done with me in that capacity. And I'm at peace with that now.

So what about my writing? I have achieved the near-impossible--3 novels sold to Big Time publishers. Critical success, starred reviews in trade icons like Publisher's Weekly and Kirkus Review, not to mention winning the hearts of school librarians and appearing favorably not once, but twice in their very respectable journal. I am a card carrying member of the author's guild and was an invited guest and panel participant at the Los Angeles Book Festival--another very rare tribute for which I was so grateful.

So am I really asking for a refund?

No. I couldn't stop writing if I wanted to. I believe my writing is also a God-given talent. I am supposed to share it. It is a vehicle through which I can encourage and lift up--a responsibility, as a Christian, that I don't take lightly. At the very least, I can offer comfort in the form of entertainment for those who need a break from the push and pull of their real lives--something I desperately needed in my teen years. I know firsthand that this is a worthy need to fill. I clung to books during my worst years and so thinking that I can offer that solace to others in the same situation is humbling, is gratifying, is rewarding.

And I almost lost sight of that.

You see, all is not golden in the world of writing. Many authors think once they get that first sale, they'll ride that draft, aloft and gliding through a pastel sky. I know my first thought, after that mind-numbing sheer bliss wore off, was that I finally made it.

And I had.

I have been blessed with amazing editors. Really good people, inside and out, who work harder than anyone I know. They have touched my life in a positive way and could almost wipe out the disappointment that has also come as part of the package.

I have had an agent who sold the same rights to two different countries (and then refused to take responsibility for it), another who forgot about me for looong months, one who couldn't spell my name right (and it's at the end of every e-mail I write, not to mention on my books they may never have read though they professed to LOVE them).

So, I decided to do without. To agent myself. And the book my agent couldn't sell in 7 months I sold in 2 minutes. Really. I wasn't even off my e-mail yet when I had a response.

I am grateful that my new editor caught me in my freefall. That she worked so hard on my manuscript (because it needed more work than I knew). But the experience with this book took a few turns -- or should I say a nose dive into contractual trouble -- but in the end, this turned out to be a very good thing.

It forced me to examine, reflect upon, adjust and become aware of why I write and for whom. Because all of our gifts are from God and should be used to help others.

We all touch the lives of others, whether it's a smile in passing or a lifetime connection, and it's everything in between. But have you ever paused, later, to look back and see if they're better for it? I've had very few moments of this kind of clarity, but I'm grateful for every one of them.

I think it's important for us to ponder: What will my legacy be?

Gong Xi Fa Cai

Today begins the Chinese New Year. It is the Year of the Dragon.

A lot of love and good fortune floating around us this year:)
We will be celebrating with a homemade dumpling dinner on Saturday--well within the 2+ weeks of celebration (just couldn't crank out those dumplings and steamed buns on a day filled with work and school).

Rainy Weekend

Which means a lot of time inside. But we made the best of it. We watched movies Saturday night and this morning the girls had fun playing "twins," putting the kitchen chairs together to make a train and for a little quiet time, set about writing in their journals and making crafts.

Wednesday Walk

I wanted a place where I could reflect upon my walk with God. Writing it out captures those small details that are sometimes agonizing, sometimes triumphant and all worth celebrating--eventually:)The past several months have been messy--but that's true of any kind of growth--they all come with aches and pains, the unexpected and the dreaded--and then we have grown into our beauty. Shedding something as destructive as pride was bound to be ugly. Giving up control (oh, how I loved my delusion that I had any of that)is like peeling flesh from the bone. But I am something new today. And I'll be an even better person tomorrow.

What I do have is peace and it was worth the price. I believe that if we do what we can do, God will do the rest. And I'm good at doing. I like doing--most of the time.

So, I was driving home from work earlier this week and asked God to show me He was still working on the finances to bring Noelle home (I have researched and applied for all the grants I know of and am moving onto my next "what I can do") and when I got home there was a lovely card in the mail from my cousin and her family along with a large check. It is humbling and beautiful and far-reaching, this growing vine God continues to water. Noelle will know she was so so wanted in this family and that's a gift that cannot be purchased or woven by our hands. I am a member of a family that is full of heart.

I also received a reply from a foundation that informed me that they do not give grants to single women. It made me quite sad, that they could turn me away knowing Noelle is waiting for us and needs heart surgery, simply because I don't have a husband. I have a heart, for God and for the orphan He cares so much about, and those were the only requirements listed on the foundation's website. I wonder what God thinks about their turning their backs on us? I know that He will make this adoption happen, so I'm not freaked out, but I replied to their e-mail anyway. I don't know if it will have an impact on them, if they'll change their minds for me or for single women in the future. But I had to say something.

It took me 10 days to write this piece, so I'm a week behind in posting it. I'm hoping to do better--I'd like to make Wednesday Walk a weekly reflection.

Root. Canal.

In T-minus 90 minutes.

This is my second one since July, when the root canal was done on the wrong tooth. SIGH. I pray that today we get the right tooth done as I am in so much pain and have been since Saturday night.

And how did I last with the pain since July? I didn't use that side of my mouth--at all. And the pain went away, unless I drank something hot. Then in late December I finally went in and had the temporary filling over the non-necessary root canal filled with permnant and began using that side of my mouth again.

So right now the whole family is in pretty sorry shape. Uncle Scott flew home with a sinus infection and a rash (probably poison sumac from cutting down our tree). Aunt Janet will have surgery on her shoulder and until then is in pain and has very limited movement. Nana has something REALLY wrong with her toe. Possibly an ingrown toe nail. She's hobbling around the house waiting for the DR to call back with an appt. Maddie has blisters in her mouth and Ava has the sniffles.

Things will get better.

Travelin' Girl

On Monday evening Ava got all dressed up for her journey up to Oregon to visit Uncle Scott. I had no idea she was leaving until she came to say good-bye. She told me, "I miss Uncle Scott SO much. And don't worry, 'cause I have my rain boots on."

I talked her into waiting a few months--Uncle Scott will be back--and she called and left a message on his cell. Notice the stethescope? Uncle Scott was sick with a sinus infection when he left and she had plans to make him better:)