The Doctor is In

A virus has been going through the house. Ava was home from school a few days with a high fever, but is feeling much better today--well enough to doctor Mama along--

(Notice the fridge--had to move it in from the garage while we handle yet another situation out there.)

TA!. . .CA?

So this is the post I was writing------

My travel approval was issued Wednesday, May 2nd and it's very possible I will get CA (consulate appointment) on May 24th. This means I will fly out Saturday, May 19th and we will fly home Saturday, May 26th.

Just got of the phone with the pediatrician and ChunJu's appointment is May 30th. From there, we will see the peds cardiologist.

But then I got an e-mail from my agency and, OK, I broke down in tears. I cannot get my CA for the 24th because I cannot, after all, be expedited in-country as a new passport process will start on May 15th and there'll be no expedites after that.

So, it looks like I'll leave the 19th and return the 30th. That's a long time away from my girls and I am very sad about it.

Shoes

I really want to pack a new pair of shoes for my little one. I have asked more than once for her foot measurement when getting an update, but so far, haven't received one. I've received many kinds of measurements--height and weight, head and chest circumferences. . .

My daughter is wearing shoes in her newest photo and I know she will come to me wearing shoes, but I don't know that they fit her right. I don't know if they're comfortable. It's very common for shoes to go through several kids and for children to arrive on Family Day with shoes too small, or too big.

I feel like I'm becoming a bit obsessed about this. But I want my girl in new shoes. Comfy shoes. Her shoes.

 So I purchased a few pairs

 On sale and in different sizes

And have kept the tags on in case I have to return them. I will only be in China 5 full days, with much paperwork to do--10 days worth--and don't think there'll be time to go out looking for shoes.

Travel

It looks like I will leave for China either Saturday, May 12th or Saturday, May 19th.

My sister will drive me to the airport in Los Angeles at 6:30 am. I should check in at 9 am. My flight leaves at 12:55 pm. (Have to allow for traffic time in LA and security checkpoints in the airport).

I will arrive in Hong Kong on Sunday at 7 pm (the time change in China is 13 hours later). A guide service will meet me at the airport and drive me into mainland China, all the way to my hotel in Guangzhou. It will take about 2 1/2 hours.

My daughter will be brought to me Monday morning, and the race will begin.

A typical adoption stay in China is 10 - 16 days. We will have 5 business days to complete all paperwork.

On Saturday, the guide service will pick us up at our hotel at 6 am and drive us to the airport in Hong Kong. Our flight leaves around noon. We will arrive at LAX at 11:30 am Saturday (getting those 13 hours back).

It's possible, but not advisable, for us to leave Friday afternoon, which will get me back to my girls about 12 hours sooner. The risk is that Chun Ju's entry visa may not be ready.

The Hong Kong airport is huge, but as you can see--the signs are in English as well as Mandarin. We arrived through HK for Ava's adoption trip and I remember a few steep escalators and a packed bus ride from the terminal to fresh air. But I feel fairly certain I can naviagate my way successfully.

The Garden Hotel. Also huge. The very good thing about staying here is that anything I might need during the week I can find within walking distance. There's a KFC and McDonald's on the same block, so I won't go hungry--maybe.

My Girl

Yesterday, I e-mailed my agency and asked for ChunJu's shoe size and, if they could, for a recent photo. I wasn't expecting to actually get new photos because I'd already gotten an update in November. But I opened my e-mail today and pictures of my precious babe were waiting for me:) She is beautiful and looks so healthy. She's running in a park! This is big, as my girl is waiting for open-heart surgery. I am so grateful for these photos. In a few weeks I'll be holding her in my arms and loving on her (well, it might take a few days for her to warm up to me as her whole world will be turning upside down) and these are the first photos of my girl where she looks happy.

Nearing the Mountain Top

Today, I am consciously letting go and letting God do the doing.

I should get TA this week and could be on a plane in as soon as 11 days--that's under two weeks. Good thing I have all I need, except my visa--the form is more involved than the last two times and I will hear from the courier today or tomorrow on whether or not I filled it out correctly. Once that's a go, I will send in my passport and should have it back in just under a week. This is what I can do.

I know that this adoption is in God's hands. I know I will leave in His timing. And I don't want it any other way. However, I noticed that as I was praying last night I kept mentioning how faithful I've been. How much I have grown in faith and in trusting Him--quantum leaps, really--and was wondering if I would reap my rewards anytime soon. I mean, really, I am committed, I am going to China, ChunJu is my daughter. I cannot be swayed. So what more do I need to know, how much more do I need to grow?

Apparently, at least a smidge more. I woke up this morning under the realization that I am still holding back a little. And you know how God is--He wants it all. And in return, He will give us all.

So no more protecting my heart with thoughts like, "If this doesn't happen, I will be OK." It's going to happen. It is happening.

No more resentment about trusting God for the little things, like swim lessons.

No more lamenting the past from which I have risen--truly beauty from ashes.

No more wondering about the unfairness of it all (and this is a big one for me). I did not get a good start in life. I don't know what it's like to have a father who cares for you, who loves you unconditionally--I am still learning this through God. I think I am missing a key piece of knowledge in this that keeps me from having all God wants for me, and that those who know the true love of a father have passed easily into His abundance. I sometimes despair that I will ever grasp that key.

But everyday I love, everyday I help, everyday I lift up others. I never want to stop being this person God has molded me to be.

I think this walk, this entire year has been about me learning:
humility -- I don't ask for help, and I think this pride has kept me from entering God's promises. Well, this past year I have asked for help and have accepted it. I continue to ask for and receive.
acceptance -- I don't know how to let someone else take care of me, but I realize now that I need this. We all do. I am really good at caring for others. I am tops at this. But I had to first be open to allowing this to happen for me, and I am now at the point of not only accepting it, but teetering on the cusp of inviting it.
surrender -- yeah, I had control issues. Not in terms of trying to control others or even circumstances, but trying to control how much I would rely on others. Some people would call this independence. I know I clung tenaciously to that much prettier description. But I am completely at the mercy of God and have been throughout this process. It has been as messy as a natural childbirth. Why has it taken me so long?

I also think this walk has been about others. God has raised up many people to help. People who know me, and who don't know me. People with a heart for orphans. People with a heart for God. This has been humbling in the most beautiful way.

I am not there yet financially--I'll know in the next day or two how much I still need in order to travel. But I know God's behind this. I know.

The Name

I had decided on Noelle. I love this name. Everyday she is a celebration of life.

However, she is almost 3 years old and I worry that she has probably heard the word 'No' many times already. For this reason, I have decided (I think) to find another name. Or to at least compile a list of names to take with me to China and let her personality sort of choose one.

Aubrey        (English--Elfin king)  So do not like the meaning of this name, but love the sound. . .
Ivy               (English--Ivy)
Charlotte     (French--Woman of God)
Tess             (Gaelic--Harvester)
Leila            (Persian--Dark-haired beauty)
Kate             (Greek--Pure)
Emme          (Emmanuelle---Hebrew--God is with us)
Elizabeth     (Hebrew--Loyal one)
Erynn          (Gaelic--Peaceful one)
Nicole         (Greek--people of victory) nickname--Nikki
Lilah            (Arabic--night beauty)

Madeleine likes (in this order):
Aubrey
Ivy
Leila
Emme
Tess
Charlotte
Kate
Erynn
Lilah
Ava likes (in this order):
Aubrey
Ivy

Nana likes (in this order):
Lily    (this is so not going to happen)
Faith  (Hmmm maybe not)
Grace (her mom's middle name)
Charlotte
Ivy
Leila
Elizabeth
Lilah

Aunt Janet likes:
Nicole/Nikki
Lilah
Today, I am leaning toward Ivy and Charlotte. . .Now, I've fluctuated (4/24/2012): Lilah and Ivy.

So I'm going not knowing what her name will be. The agency will ask me to choose and submit her English name before travel, but I guess everything about this adoption journey is different from the first two. And I'm Ok with that.